Who says there's no culture in "agriculture"?

With the Grand Illumination last Wednesday and now the arrival of the Martha's Vineyard Agricultural Society Fair -- known locally as the Ag Fair -- we are moving into what the Vineyard Gazette so poetically calls "the heart of a Vineyard summer." It's apparently a very steamy heart, if the humidity in the air is any indication.

At least there were a few bold breezes blowing through the Ag Fair yesterday, which were both a pleasure and a nuisance. Pleasurable because they kept the air circulating; annoying because they kept knocking over and rearranging the hand-out materials on the Vineyard Playhouse that I had carefully set up on our table in the so-called Community Tent. There I was, wedged in between a quilt raffle and a display of melted hair curlers, scorched extension cords and burned-up shoes that was meant to call attention to fire hazards in the home.

Cautionary tales are clearly a major part of the fair. Walking in, I was almost immediately confronted by a giant inflatable rat (who was waving a small American flag, for some reason) that was supposed to remind me to have my property checked for vermin. The rat-extermination table was located directly beside an exhibit that's supposed to encourage parents to talk to their teens before those party-hearty kids get out of control. Pest-control, alcohol-control -- it's all the same at the Ag Fair. After all, it's just a matter of time before those crazy teens start ratting their hair and listening to the seductive sounds of Ratt, right?

Getting to the fair was a challenge in itself. There's supposed to be a bus that runs from downtown Vineyard Haven out to the fairgrounds, which are nestled in the wilds of Tisbury. My plan was to park my car at the Park and Ride lot -- thus avoiding both the traffic and the $5 parking fee -- and jump on the bus. But although I had no trouble finding a space at the lot (which is something of a minor miracle in and of itself), I had more difficulty tracking down the shuttle. In fact, it never showed up.

So I started walking down State Road in the direction of the fairgrounds, certain that any minute that tardy bus would be rolling into view. No such luck: I finally decided to call a cab so that I could get to the fair by 10 a.m., which was the time I was supposed to open the Playhouse's table. The cab showed up almost immediately and the driver couldn't have been chattier or more pleasant. The cost of the trip: $20, plus tip. But I sure did save that $5 parking fee...

The Ag Fair seems like a good old-fashioned good time, but it's actually serious business. The Agricultural Society lets no one in for free, even if you're coming in to staff a table in the Community Tent. Adult admission is $8, which gets you nothing more than the honor of having your hand stamped by a cheery child. You want to go on the ferris wheel? It costs extra. You need a corn dog? Cough up another $4.

And if you run low on cash, you can always turn to the ATM machine for a quick fix -- if you are willing to pay the $3.50 service charge per transaction that apparently goes to the Agricultural Society. Like so many things on the Vineyard, the Ag Fair is chock-full of hidden costs.

That is, it is also a reasonably fun fair, with a broad variety of food booths (including Touchdown Tempura, a Japanese-themed concession stand run by Vineyard Football), the standard celebrations of prize-winning fruits and vegetables, a talent show (which, at the time I dropped by, featured breakdancers doing The Robot to songs from Michael Jackson's "Thriller," so we are clearly not dealing with cutting-edge entertainment), racing pigs (disappointingly, they were on their break when I dropped by) and livestock exhibitions. One of the DJs on WMVY had promised this year's fair featured "pigs the size of pianos!" and I was eager to see if they lived up to the hype. Yes, they were the size of pianos... toy pianos. I left the barn feeling absolutely swine-dled.

More intriguing were the vegetable sculptures, created by local artists who see untapped potential in cucumbers, tomatoes, squash and such. Really, how can you not be charmed by a figure with an eggplant body, gourd eyes and a red pepper nose reclining in a miniature hammock? There was also a fiber tent, in which weavers demonstrated their craft. Some of them were using alpaca wool from Island Alpaca, which is located just around the corner from me. The creations were beautiful and, although it was in the high 80s inside the tent, several of the sweaters and shawls looked as if they could easily ward off the chills that autumn and winter will someday bring.

In mid-afternoon, three youngsters from the Playhouse's Summer Stars youth theater program arrived to take over the table for me. "We'll bring in a younger crowd!" they promised. Their secret weapon: iTunes. One of them had brought along a laptop and a special musical playlist was quickly compiled in the hopes of attracting curious customers. First, they tried out John Mayer's "Your Body is a Wonderland" (which they sang along to). Then they moved on to selections from "Wicked" ("That's real theatrical music!" one told me), but before too long Beyonce had nudged Elphaba and Glinda out of the way.

In between trying to find the perfect songs ("Do you have 'Lucky' by Britney Spears?" one Star asked another. "Yeah, I had that CD -- when I was, like, 5!" he answered.), the Stars provided their own reports on fair activity. After an ill-fated run for chicken fingers, two of the Stars returned with a towering basket of fries instead. "This was the small!" they assured me. "You should have seen the large: I swear, it was like a basin!"

While the Ag Fair pigs may not really be the size of pianos, some things at the Fair are definitely not for the meek of heart.